Hi all, so wow..29th of December, how time flies!!
I really must log in more, but have to admit, have gone of EP a bit due to certain aspects that I feel and think have damaged the greatness of EP, okay just had to say that.
Woek is fine, family life is...*hmm*, last year after continual let down ad leeching from certain family members, decided to cut them out of myife, may sound extreme, but ther is only so much *here...drain me, se me, walk all over me* you can allow until you suddenyl think..*hell NO*!.
I am in touch with my lovely lovely sweet brother, he informed me on xmas eve that my other brother and sister wish to have my numberto wish me happy xmas, um.."no need really".
I do not buy into those who you do not speak with all year around, suddenly growing a conscience and wanting to play *the game of pretending all is fine at xmas", not my idea of fun, so thaked him for message and continued speaking with him about something or another.
Those who may read my words, please please do not think I am cruel, the opposite in fact, my heart literally can not take any more hurt, I can not go into what these two may have done or said, but..especially after while our mum was dying we all vowed to stick together, yet..they both ever really had this vibe, sure we all react to death in different ways, but..if am honest, complex dynamics while she was alive, will leave it there, but suffice to say, we all have the same mother, but really feel no other connection, shame really, family mean the WORLD to me.
Right, wat else, ah yes, have..well had a friend who I met in therapy sixs years ago, maybe we have just out grown each other, but..ended this friendship three weeks ago, in fact, it was my bday three weeks ago, and it hit me due to a certain interaction betwee us, that she really did not gve a flying frg if we met on my bday or not, also she expectd me to plan my own bday meal, come on guys and dolls, it is an unspoken rule that your best pal/friends, take you out, not you plan ur own meal and they ride on your coat tails,I am seeing someone now so in fact went away for two days with him, but..when we finally spoke a few days after my bday, and I said the above in nice way, Ms X replied *oh, but I WAS going to take you out for a meal*, ummm..,maybe, but..bi odd if you ask me, you see, in the six years, on her birthday I have planned nights out, this year treated her to Madonnas MDMA Hyde Park world tour in July which was crap by the way, sadly so as a her biggest fan, but lost that spark I think, I digress, so yes, Ms X has never planned anything, like EVER.. so bit a coincidence, that the year I mention this finally, she says this.
All of my bdaysI have planned it..just never had guts to say anything before, you know when you wish to keep certain friendships.
Alao, she is now a mother, I am nothing but happy for her, she is the best mother you could imagine, seriously, her daughter is now five, first three years of daughters life, I was of some use still, but in last two years, she has formed friendships with other mothers, which I think is very healthy for her, yet, if you are true pals with another, no reason why they can not still b of value within your life, well...just, me always ringing, planning to go out, et..just got bored.
So yes, felt some sadness, but, best to let go what does not work anymore;-)
Have met the MOST LOVELY GENTLE MAN.... how we met was very...um..complex, so will not go into it, (he is single)..but must say..what a guy!!!!
What with countless emotional issues, have never really dealt in all that *love stuff*, also kinda stoic naturally when it comes to matters of heart, am Capricorn Venus fr those that know, so am not in general all hearts and flowers, but..with him, I can and do..get a lil like that...deary me, how cheesy.
He said he was in love with me 9 weeks ago..and said he had been wanting to say this for some time, we met last October, but it was this January things took a different step forward.
You know..it can come up behind you and knock you off your feet..this thing called love.
Oh wow...and not a needy, c-dependent, obsessive twisted hurtful draining version of love, but a kind to the soul love.
I have looked over couple of blogs here in regards to other chaps, mostly all crushes, oh how blind I was to see...a Man who wants you letsyou know, as he is scared that you may be snapped up by another suitable chap such is your positive attributes.
Men who like you are *not scared, need time but.../care for you but....or any other excuse*.
Who is to say what future holds, there are certain trials he faces..he is 50, Mr Libra...charming, anyhoo, he has recently had surgery, in May to remove more of his brain blob..
First diagnosied when he was late 20's, kept on having fits/etc..it is very slow growing, but is grade 3, so..yes, have often been up late reading google on this matter.
From late 20's to now has been fine, but t his scan in March, he was told some new growth and could probably wait a year or so for more surgery, but like the fearless Man he is, he opted for surgery as quick as possible.
I am acutely aware that there could be a sense of transference, what with my own mothers cancer battle,and yes, do I suspect, worry a lil to much about him, but..that aside, he calls it the blob, well that aside, I do love and care for him, he makes me smile, think..actually feel humlbed knowing him.
In the six months since his surgery, what a drama, his work place who we both now think never expected him to wake up from surgery..*cold ruthless boss he has*, are now blocking his return to work even though four different world class docs have said he can.
So he has now consulted lawyers.
Anyone that knows, not all the time, but often for Men in particular(sorry for gender thingy) do get their esteem from being of use in work place, sure, all humans do, but..in regards to Men, working, being economically sound,etc..also what with health staus and age, not many other firms would be so happy to take him on, so he is really trying to work through this to get back to work in January, he can do it, he is a special soul.
Much research into depresison after C diagnosis, couple this with being kept off work though you wish to return, in fear of losing your livelhood, yup, he has a lot going on, but knows he can ALWAYS turn to me!!!!!
Oh my, we tend to enjoy fine dining in oppulant establishments, great for taste buds, but..hmmm..have put on few pounds so..yes..when you met another you accepts you, loves you, makes you happy, you make then happy, you can get a lil cuaght off guard, eating out wise.
Oh ,am I wittering.
Okay, so an intense year, one year older, not sure about wiser though.
Mr WM, when ..;oh, was ging to get all mushy, am stotic..oh..what the ...., okay, just holding my hand, us chilling..just feels...right...oh dear, have morphed into a corny girl I usually smile about.
For what it is worth, meeting Mr WM, has been the BEST thing to happen in my life, and on that notee...byeee;-)
Um....I have discovered that I REALLY do not feel drawn to men who are overtly interested in me, I prefer the more "keep em keen" type of guy, the guy who I wonder "does he like me as much as I like him"?
It gives the exchange a sense of dramatic intensity which I ADORE, however guy says they really miss me, want to be with me, I feel "Unmoved" even "bored".......oh dear.
In this situation now, I would not say I and Ryan are dating, but we have gone on two dates, he would see me every day if I allowed him, too much, too soon, once a week is perfectly fine with me.
After ALL I am a proud "Loner", I really can not have someone messing with my need for solitude.
So he is an ego-centric,, lacks empathy for others, has a personality disorder ( me too, not the lacks emapthy part but personality disorder part, so ...snap)in active addiction, I have impulse control at present, so feel internally good.
He was SO not suitable for me to know....I had to be rather harsh in letting him know he is NOT welcome at mine.
If I had not, sooner rather than later, I could see myself using drugs with him....his energy is like WOAH......A Whirwind.........I NEED a sense of stability.
He has many positive traits, he is Gemini, very charming, witty, has a firm grip on the English language......articulate, and much more........but an utter mess.
Part of me wants to try and help him, however I know me, well, I know aspects of me.....I would end up in trouble trying to help him.
So all there is left to say is..............Mr Blueblood, you were HOT, BUT unhinged......
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Hi, I have not been on here for a good while, a lot has been going on.
Two years ago I and my brothers and sister were at our mums bed side, it was a Tuesday, this exact time she was slipping in and out of sleep, though while awake, spoke too all of us.
I truely have not been able to th ink of anything else today, the sisteenth is the day that she passed over, which will be tomorrow,.
Last year, was dosed up on class A drugs and valium from my doctor, so to be honest did not really feel that much, just felt numb.
Well I did feel, though took more valuim to not feel.
Though this year know that is not what it is about, saw my younger brother earlier and as you do we were remenicing, it felt good if that makes sense.
Started seeing a guy called Richard three months ago, though have to add it is very very very casual, I kinda like it that way, not willing right now to givw anything emotional to anyone other than my family.
You know what, saying that out aloud does sound harsh, all I mean is Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Tread....self presavation and all that.
Anyway he has known that this weekend would be pretty upsetting, so I suggested that we meet up later in the week, though he then suggestes that we meet tonight which is Friday.
Not too sure his motives for that, already tolod him I am not going too be happy happy joy joy mode today and yet he seems to still want to see me...I do not get it.
Though what I do know is that he is a good soul.
My mum was way too young, though a loss at any age is trumatic, our relationship had been incredibly intense, and I suppose that is why the greiving process for myself, feels so utterly utterly, desperatly raw.
I know, death will pay a visit too us all right, though that does not change the fact that is is one of the most painful times in a persons life.
When I think about some of our conversations that we had I actually laugh out aloud, my mums sense of humor was truely one of a kind.
Where ever yo may be mum, I want you too now that not a day or night passes by where I do not think about you.
You had a difficult life, with a lot of trials and tribulations, though done your best too keep on keeping on.
When I hear the singer Sade, I thni kof you, I know you liked her style of music.
The powers that be decided that your job on earth had been completed, you raised four children who love you dearly, and mum before you died, you asked me to stop doing certain things in my life which were damaging to me spritually, I have mum.
I love you more than words can ever describe, you were, and are my best friend, may you rest in peace, love you.
Hiya, joined this site a couple of days go when I was feeling really really low, I am ok today, which is a good thing I suppose.
Yersterday had the day from hell.....literally, woke after having a really vivid dream,in the dream I was in E.London, where I origanally grew up,a lot was going on in the dream, and woke feeling something, not sure what that feeling was, but felt something, and let me tell you it was not pleasnant in the slightest.
Wednesdays and Thurdays are my days off. so thought I would just chill really, you know,take it easy.
I may hae not been busy work or study wise,mentally though, was doing overtime, and at one point thought I was losing the point,Today has been better though,anyway I am very new to this and am just going with my writing flow, I love writing.
Hopefully I do not sound too weird,am often told I am not the norm, whatever that means, if that is another way to say I am a eccenctric, I accept, but still....
Anyway I am a bit confused at how this all works and truely hope that I do not sound like a rambling headscase,bye for nowl.
Previous PostsA blog of a bit of a lot after a looong time away., posted December 28th, 2012
And now what....., posted August 18th, 2011
Hmmmm. Mr BlueBlood had the touch......, posted August 3rd, 2011
Wow, really???????????????/, posted June 7th, 2011
2nd Annerversiry of my mum, posted May 15th, 2009
Today has been better., posted November 27th, 2008
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